


Straight to Video

by snager



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Multi, Tentabulges, only 90's kids will remember
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-23
Updated: 2015-12-23
Packaged: 2018-05-08 14:56:22
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5501957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/snager/pseuds/snager
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Federal paw provides severe civil and criminal penile ties for the unauthorized reproduction, distribution or exhibitionist of copyrighted motion pictures, video tapes or video dicks. criminal copyright infuringement is investigated by the FBI and may constitute a felony with a MA%imum penalty of up to five years in prison and/or a $250,000 feline. Yes. Do it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Straight to Video

**Author's Note:**

  * For [eleana007](https://archiveofourown.org/users/eleana007/gifts).



Karkat slid an VHS tape into a freshly refurbished (through the miracle of paradox space and SBurb) VCR. It had been decorated in stickers clearly not belonging to the brand that originally designed the tape player. Neither Karkat nor Dave would fess up to the misbranding.

“Dude, did people used to just call movies 'tapes'?” Dave asked as a sweet jumble of sounds issued from the quadrangle.  
  


“What?” Karkat backed up onto the couch, trying not to seem too nervous or distracted.  
  


“'Tapes.'” Dave held his hands up. “Like, 'Ho ho ho, and what do YOU want for Chanukah, little boy?' 'I want more Tapes.' Like, wouldn’t that be like instead of asking for video games, or a specific video game, you just said, 'I want more disks.'”

 

“You _would_ want more dicks.” Karkat said, snide.  
  


Dave made a series of noises that might have been considered words by a more primitive culture. Karkat stopped him before it could get out of hand.

 

“Whatever backward-cultured bullsharts you're talking about, I assure you I, as always, am an alien to you and can't relate.”

 

“So why is this Alternian movie copied to VHS, then?” Dave pointed out. “Didn't you guys store data on like vaguely-troll-larva-shaped actual-grubs?”  
  


“You tell me, Mr. Life as Performance Art.” Karkat lifted the remote and hit play. For the first time in Dave's life, no ads played before the main feature. Just a rather unofficial green page warning against unlawful copyright infringement; on second thought, it looked like there were intentional typographical errors included in the warning. Perhaps the creators had WANTED the video to be copied and spread. There, the mystery of the advertisement-less 90's media solved.  
  


Then, some early-2000's era YouTube production-quality music started playing. It was animated, but Dave wasn't sure if it looked like CS Flash or some underground, indie development tool instead. This intrigued him.  
  


“Sooo this is kid stuff.” Dave asked, inquiring as to the low-budget, low-self-esteem-as-a-company formatting.  
  


“KIDS don't watch PORN, Dave.” Karkat tried to play him off.  
  


“But we're kids.”  
  


“We're nineteen human years old!”  
  


“...Oh.” Dave acted like he'd genuinely lost track of his own age. In reality he'd failed to have the balls to get Karkat's goat over this particular exchange.

 

However, the two of them continued the banter over the title sequence, discussing the ethics of pornography censorship on Earth vs. on Alternia.  
  


They were treading into got-cha territory when Dave cut Karkat off mid-sentence. “Wait. Is that my fucking bro?”  
  


“Who?” Karkat looked at the screen. There couldn't be a human in this tapestry of an anime. Humans hadn't been invented during the time of its production. “Don't Eastern Animation Production cool-dudes basically always have those acute vision glazers?”

 

Dave shifted, not quite uncomfortably, unwilling to suppose, assume, or confirm anything out loud.  
  


They both stared hard, trying to figure out how an animated version of Dave's bro MIGHT have gotten onto their television. “No, but wait.. The other guy...” Karkat looked at the newest member of the cast on the screen; the (barely) animated male was having bread rings shoved onto his one horn in rough succession. Karkat appraised him in abject horror as the cheap animation attempted to imply the character had sensation in that one horn and that he was bashfully getting off to the rhythm of this abuse set to the intro music.  
  


He was big and muscle bound and, against all odds, the muscles seemed to be rendered based off real-life anatomy, even as they clenched and twitched in ways that were very _un_ realistic.

 

Before Karkat could confess the assumed head-canon identify of Bara character, another character sashayed into the shot.  
  


She had pink hair and her tits moved in a stilted, 2-dimensional way; a mortal foil to the perfect falseness of the Bara character's own tits. She had one spiraling horn that couldn’t commit to its model sheet in any two nauseating frames.  
  


The characters, now assuming themselves to be 'established,' then ran around in all kinds of whacky hijinks taken from, one would assume, clips from the film they were about to watch. Their movements no longer matched the peppy, upbeat attempt to fuse hip-hop and pop. Thank god no one was singing.

 

The music ended abruptly, as though someone had gotten sick of listening to it. Dave looked at Karkat and Karkat shook his head to clear himself of any guilt: the guilt of altering the movie OR for having chosen it out. They both wondered if whoever made this copy had redacted something- but before they could consider what had been lost of the original vision of the theme song and credits, the characters appeared against a green-screen 80's rock video background, in jarring live-action.

 

“No.” Said Karkat. Dave smiled like he was having a spiritual epiphany as the character with the pointy shades began to speak into the camera while the other characters posed like power rangers.  
  


“Remember, viewer: What you are about to watch is always just pretend and we are all consenting adults.”

 

Dave blinked, his eye brows raised into his hairline. “Uh..” Was this a PSA? What WERE they about to watch. “Bro, I am scare,” he memed to Karkat, who himself looked un-ironically in fear for his reputation.  
  


“Never perform riddic sexual fun times on someone unless they tell you to!” said the pink one, though it was hard to tell if it was her speaking at first: her lip syncing looked like the voice work had been added after the filming and like the actress thought things just looked better this way.  
  


“If things are getting radical in the high fantasy sense,” the dramatic b'shades'd character said, jutting a theatrical finger to the other male:  
  


“Use a secret safety word,” the Bara said, completing the thought as he crouched down.  
  


The camera angle zoomed dramatically on the shades of the voistrous leader, a shot of the cosmos in the lenses as he cried, “WHAT'S THE SAFETY WORD, BRONEFITS?” There was a jump-cut to all the characters posing as a team, in animated form again: they all seemed to be recording with different types of microphones and mixing software and the single phrase they shouted in unison was garbled by the mismatching technology.  
  


“Not that that wasn't just, wow, super responsible ass-covering and all, but: what the hell ARE we watching?” it was a rhetorical question; Dave was pleased to have that tundra-thick ice drilled into by someone who believed in them both.

 

Karkat, still seated one cushion-unit to Dave's left, was huffing hard into both his hands in mortification. “Porn for the reproductively unaccustomed.”

 

-

 

The opening scene of the show faded in from black. Anime!Equius, henceforth referred to as his porno name, Rodger Hoofbeastway, was standing an alien food prep area. He was minding his own business, cleaning the stove, gritting his teeth, sweating in such a way it was hard to tell if he was physically exerting himself or if the direction was just falling back on lazy animation tropes. Or maybe it was an in-joke with fans.  
  


“Is this a parody porno? The official-un-official fan-porno Oh Vee Ae?” Dave's Film Critic name was still 'Dave'. But one could pretend he was calling himself 'Crow' now and get a pat on the back for the pop-culture reference.  
  


“Shh! They're setting up the character dynamics.” Karkat was trying to invest himself in the story against his better judgement.

 

The pointy-shades man entered stage left behind the first character: or rather, appeared there, his color-cell painted on top of the edge of something that Hoofbeastway was behind of. It created a perspective mishap.

 

“Hey, Hoofbeast. Looking taught, there.”  
  


“Thank you, Sir,” said the first troll, crouching down to clean the glass window to the stove: the audience was now made privy to the knowledge that he was wearing a scanty outfit that might have been based off designs used by ancient maids, long ago: There was a gratuitous and over-lingered shot of the butler's butt.  
  


The longer the audience had to stare at it, the 'camera' panning slowly over a loop of the hulking butler, the higher the comedic-tension built until, finally, both Karkat and Dave were snickering and kicking at the floor, wordlessly trying to figure out if this was intentionally funny or not.

 

The light-hearted scene took a drastic turn when the Shades guy tapped the toe of his foot in the bara troll’s backside, making him jerk into a standing position, before apparently dragging him over to the kitchen table. Shades-guy then demanded to be fucked.  
  


The bara maid seemed hesitant and perplexed as to what steps to take. “L-lowblood, I,” But the other man, laying on the table, chided him.

 

“Rip my damn pants off, you oaf! I swear to god, you can't possibly be as dumb as you look.”  
  


Fidgeting, the larger troll pried the zipper -  
  


-

“Wait,” said Dave, getting up. “I’m going to get something, this is too rich an opportunity.”

 

“Is it Rose's soporifics. Will we take a drink every time someone trips awkwardly over the barrier of a quadrant.” Karkat had the heel of his palm planted into his cheek for physical and emotional support. As Dave left, Karkat watched after him: was this movie so bad, Dave just bounced without even saying he wouldn't be back? Karkat punished himself by watching the scene unfurl alone.

 

-

Though the unzipping phase had been well drawn, the pants fell off like a paper cut out. Karkat forced his mind to try to see past the gut-turning bad animation and try to parse the actual 'story.'

 

The shades-wearing bro kneed the larger male in the groin through his apron. “Fuck, you aren't even out yet? You're disappointing me on purpose, aren't you. You're getting off on it.” This despite the sizable bulge hugging the contours of Shades guy's knee.

 

The larger troll, Horsequius, as Karkat had nicknamed him, whined in faux-complaint, sincere compliance. Despite his misgivings, Karkat found his hand knotted up between his own thighs.  
  


But then they showed a full-body pan shot of the power bottom on the table and he had to spit-laugh.  
  


Dave walked back in just then. “Okay, that is not my Bro, please continue, movie, we're cool now.”  
  


“DAVE! God! Just so you know, this is a Gross Misrepresentation of- no, a socially minor- listen, no one's got junk THAT ripped, okay? No one has muscles like that down there, this is -” his exasperated tone hid his apprehensive fear that Dave might develop unrealistic expectations of Karkat.  
  


“Okay, so having abs that taper down into over-elongated snatch-hatch is the troll version of skinny-girl-big-tits, got it.” Then he added under his breath, “and also males I guess have mangina?”

 

“Yes, exactly!” Karkat was too wrecked to catch the last part. “I mean, it can happen but- god, this is a cartoon.” Karkat reminded himself and caught his own chest like he was having a heart attack.  
  


“Karkat, please,” Dave took a lofty tone, “I believe the term for which you are referring to this priceless masterwork is 'Miyazaki.'”  
  


-

“Get in there,” said the antagonistic man on the table. His voice was so severe it cut right into Dave and Karkat's conversation. They snapped their attention to the screen. Their suspension of disbelief now lowered.

 

“B.. But lowblood,” The Baraman, despite his size, shrank back, convincingly unwilling to comply.  
  


“Make me ask twice. I dare you.”  
  


-

Karkat sat up, somehow concerned for the protagonist. Dave was set to default un-readable as he hung back, melding into the unlit portion of the room. The large troll on screen, trembling, lifted a hand, directed it towards the sheath of cloth over his crotch, unable to protest further. It seemed this show was bypassing the good ol' 'dub con anime fanfic' routine and straight into more serious territory.  
  


Karkat reached for the remote: this wasn't exactly what he wanted to teach Dave - but he feared the damage had already been done-

 

“Dikrus!” Came a honk of a voice from off-screen.  
  


The art style changed so dramatically for the next shot that they realized how shonen it had gotten. The two men in the frame, now about 30% more chibi, turned to look at the camera: there, opposite them in the doorway, was the pink haired troll from the intro sequence, spiraling horn and all. Her hands were on her hips and she looked dressed to death.  
  


“M-mistress,” said Rodger Hoofbeastway.  
  


“Not you, Mister Maid! I was talking to-” the camera direction swung down her out-stretched finger to a flinching subject. “THIS one!”  
  


'Dikrus,' as ShadesMcGee was apparently called, seemed to be in for an whole new-asshole tearing.  
  


“Phew!” said Dave, a bit more uneasily than he meant to. “Saved by the corporate Ass-covering again!” And he sat down on the opposite end of the couch from his friend. Karkat half-smiled in relief as he laid the remote down. “And still managed to get in that problematic-fan-service. Props.”

 

-

“Have you been bullying poor Rodger again?” the pink lady swerved over to the maid, his hand still clenching his apron where he'd half-raised it for Dikrus out of shot, presumably a second before.

 

“No, Mistress LafronD. He likes it, don't you, Hoofbeast?” Dikrus glowered through his shades into the other male's eyes.  
  


“Um. Well, of course I... I mean usually..” He was unconvincing and clearly more at-ease with the woman in the room.  
  


She answered for him. “Nope! You don't know how to lord power over someone the RIGHT way at all, Dikrus!” she laughed high and haughty like a villainess as she tossed her hair-

 

-

“Oh, you see that?” Karkat paused the screen, pointing at the Lady's ear. “She's supposed to be a sea dweller. They're the highest blood caste: she might be orchestrating some socially inclined dominance over these two weaker males. See, sea dwellers are pretty strong and – what are you doing?”

 

“What? Oh,” Dave appeared to have been busy not listening. “I was just setting up our bingo game.”  
  


“BINGO?” Karkat was struck. Dave had multiple hovering devices holding up several pieces of paper. “Are those shipping grids?”

 

“N.. YES. Yes, this is a game about a bizarre human courtship ritual called BINGO: see, when you spell out 'bingo' across the grid, that means a couple is biologically compatible.”  
  


Karkat was already crossing his arms, “This sounds like bullshit,” and yet he was clearly intrigued and wanted Dave to continue. “I know you're bullshitting me.”  
  


“No, it's one hundred and one percent fact.” He handed a 'randomized' sheet to Karkat:  
  


B I N G O

cream pie.............saliva bridge......................rope

'no' means 'yes'.....furry..................................crossdressing

huge dicks............(*)......................................orgasm denial

titty fuck...............'it's okay because it's you'...blood

ass play.................voyeurism...........................fisting

  
  


Karkat caught on. “Okay, but you missed some.”  
  


“Oh hell, my most egregious error, my bro,” Dave threw karkat a blank sheet.  
  


BINGO

caste play..................horn play................military rp

bulge tangle .............xenophillia..............slave play

bulgehole stuffing.....(8)...........................marking/biting

deep seedflapping.....oviposition..............size difference

chute riding...............reverse oviposition..pailing

  
  


“OH fuck,” Dave said, reading over these after Karkat slid them to him face down like he was making an offer Dave couldn't refuse. “This shit sounds so G.D. filthy on account of basic ignorance, Jesus H. Christ.”

 

“I think you'll find that, on account of this being a troll porno, I'm likely to have already won.” He smugly puffed himself up.  
  


“Shit.” Karkat was right and Dave accepted this fact with honor. But he had one final defense to this ass-handing: “You sure this isn't a list of things you want to try out later?”  
  


Karkat flushed bright red, defiant, and feeling he'd been duped. Dave smiled as he watched Karkat get himself worked up enough to start awkwardly clambering over the furniture. This of course pissed Karkat off even more.  
  


“Let's see one of YOURS, then!” he reached for one of Dave's five filled-out sheets. “If the plan all along was to psychoanalyze our own boners!”  
  


“What, no! You already saw one! No cheating.”  
  


But Karkat grabbed the one anyway.“'Titty fuck?'”  
  


It was Dave's turn to flush.  
  


“I don't know if you noticed, by which I mean I HAVE caught you noticing, Dave, but my rumble spheres are more akin to crumble piers; by which I mean, totally flat. So if you wanna try 'tiddy fucking,' then it's going-”

“No.”

“To have to be-”

“Stop,” Dave crossed himself.

“My bulge in your t-”

Dave was stuffing his own cape into Karkat's mouth, blushing fiercely all the while.

  
  


The movie continued playing in the kerfuffle.

 

By the time either of the boys had noticed, Pink Troll had Shades Troll bent over her lap; Horse Troll being led to swatting the other male's ass cheeks with a feather duster.  
  


Karkat and dave stared wide eyed and clutching each other's fists for half a second : then they were scrambling to find their BINGO sheets.

 

-

“OKAY!” Said Dikrus, pleading with his teeth bared.  
  


“Had enough?” The pink Lady smiled kindly down at him over her too-large tits.  
  


“Yes,” he spluttered, defeated.  
  


“Good.” She got up to move and hooked a finger under the jaw of their maid. “Mr. Hoofbeastway,” she crooned, “Do you feel up to,” she played with her boobs or something, “putting yourself inside Mr. Shades for me?”  
  


-

“Shit, where is it,” Dave was almost-panicked as he tried to find something on his cards that might match this scene. Karkat seemed to be circling multiple things, an air of coolness on his face. “Damn damn damn,” Dave muttered.  
  


-

“Mistress,” the one-horned troll bowed his head. “I'm not ready.” The way he said it sounded like the person reading his lines was trying to sound over-the-top thirsty but just came across over-the-top groggy.  
  


“I see,” said the sea dweller, observing the same thing the audience was.  
  


-

“...Wait, is cuntboys a kink.”

 

“Having no torso pectin is a kink,” Karkat said, making a profound gesture with his pen, noting the animator's unwillingness to draw stubble on a grown-ass man.  
  


-

The Lady addressed Dikrus and politely asked him if he would, as tenderly as his hard self could muster, stimulate the big male's lips. The ones on his crotch. His crotch lips.

 

Dave pondered this harder than Dikrus was thug-core.

“So mangina is a major kink in this film, right?”  
  


“I don’t know, I guess?” Karkat was busy filling in a new card.  
  


Dave looked back at the movie: idealized tits. idealized muscles.  
  


“Where’s the cocks. Where’s the giant, idealized cocks.”

 

“Um, maybe the sea dweller will - oh no! Wait! There’s one!” The horse anime character was suddenly showing. It had over-articulated veins.  
  


“BRO.” Said Dave, laughing. When Karkat didn’t laugh, Dave assumed it was because this was so kinky on so many fucked up levels. But when he looked over, Karkat was just sitting there. Watching him. His eyebrows raised.  
  


Dave regained some composure. “Uh. I mean, this is supposed to be funny, right?” Karkat just frowned at him.  
  


“Dave, this is, like, the most basic, unimaginative part so far.”  
  


Dave looked at the moaning figures on screen then back to Karkat. Then to the screen again. Then to Karkat.  
  


Karkat thought he was being prompted to continue. “I mean, yes, that is a simplified and idealized nubbling right there. Like, other than the ein, it’s got nothing interesting going for it. All obtuse and unremarkable… no pores or … branches-” as his eyes grew heavy he began to trail off before getting interrupted.  
  


“Branches? He’s a motherfucking _tree_ , now?” Any other man would have been gesturing madly at the TV, but nah, son. That w’ain’t Dave’s style.  
  


“You know what I mean!” Karkat was getting flustered again.  
  


“NO I do not.” Dave crossed his arms.  
  


“It’s just a slime bulge, Dave! All adults have them!” He thought Dave might be being ironically immature, but then remembered: mutual aliens.  
  


“Wait, back up.”  
  


Karkat Changed his tune. “I’m backing up. My reverse-sirens are engaged. I am docking with the delivery bay.”  
  


Dave put his head in his hands. “Are you telling me, all trolls, male and female, have flagella hentai jingle doobers? And also, are you additionally telling me, my dearest bro, that all trolls also have floppy box that look like abs-gone-wrong.”  
  


There was a pregnant pause.

 

“Yes-  
  


“This is impossible.”  
  


Karkat put a stately, mentor-like fist to his lips as he thought over how to continue. As Dave struggled to absorb this new data, the hentai in the background moaned on.

 

“Dave, you knew-”  
  


“I didn’t know, I _heard_. And I thought it was just Rose joshing with me, as usual.”  
  


“Who’s ‘Josh’?”

 

“‘Josh’ is just what Rose calls her wiener.”  
  


“... Rose doesn't have a human wiener. Human females only have the lump mufflers.” Karkat explained this, half like he was confirming it and half like he was checking if Dave knew.

 

“Ok, but you know I don’t have those. Any of those,” he pointed at the screen which was getting progressively more graphic every second.  
  


“It’s okay,” Karkat held out his open hands, speaking as gently as Dave ever heard him speak in general. “I figured out some stuff/ On my own time, I mean.”  
  


“Oh..” And to Dave’s profound surprise, he felt relieved. Nothing worse than having the sex talk with your alien bro friend. Or, waiting till the night of prom to shock him into dumping you when you whip it out.  
  


“But, um. I don’t know how you’re going to feel about this but, um.” Karkat was rubbing his own arm and fidgeting more than usual.

 

Oh. He it comes, thought Dave. We’re going to have a sweet, innocent, nothing past first-base relationship forever. I can take it. I’m a gross alien. Who would ever want to actually fuck E.T. Totally cool, though, I-  
  


“Remember when I said I didn’t have space tentacles because I wasn’t that kind of space alien?”  
  


“What?”  
  


“Okay, so, mine should have grown in by now but it’s not, so, um.” His voice was breaking. “Probably a mutant thing. I mean there’s still a chance, but,” the way his eyes darted at Dave broke his heart a little. “Just one more thing to get culled for,” and he gave an awkward little chuckle.  
  


If Dave was disappointed that he wasn’t going to get sphincter-probed by a red slug’s ass any time soon, he was too busy consoling Karkat to notice. He put an arm around him.

 

“Hey, it’s not a big deal, dude,” he murmured, feeling like he was needed, important to someone’s emotional health. “So I don’t get to learn how to deepthroat: who cares? I bet Rose already invented the troll strap-on.” He put his other arm around Karkat and held him a little, trying not to smother him: that wasn’t really either of their styles. Currently, Karkat seemed placated.

 

He sat back up. “Yeah,” Karkat said, almost-stuttering. “I guess I built that big reveal up to toxic levels in my head.”  
  


Dave noticed they were holding each other’s hands. His heart was pounding. “Karkat. There’s something I need to tell you, too.”  
  


Karkat’s saucer eyes got bigger. He almost whispered. “What is, it Dave?”  
  


Dave gripped Karkat’s fingers harder as he struggled for words. “Karkat.. I’m..”

 

Karkat’s skin prickled. His world was spinning. What could it be that was on-par with his own admission?  
  


“I’m.. I’m uncut.”

 

The air hung between them.  
  


Karkat threw Dave’s hands to the side and womped him in the face with a pillow. (Yes, he knew what ‘uncut’ meant).

  
  


-

They wrestled for the duration of the rest of the film, only stopping when Karkat had Dave pleasantly pinned at the throat with his forearm. The smug bastard was just grinning up at him, pressed deep into the foam and upholstery.  
  


Karkat fought the urge to find this tactic disarming. Found himself grinning back. Bent his face to Dave’s..  
  


The obnoxious pop-hop music from the title sequence broke the mood, the sound balance far enough out of whack that the ancient television's speakers popped painfully in their eats.  
  


They jumped up and found the remote, cursing as they turned the volume all the way down.

Then the first set of credits faded into frame:  
  


A Nepeta Leijon Production  
  


They stared in stunned silence for several seconds. Approximately forty seconds.  
  


“I guess,” Karkat stumbled for words, “This must come from a time line where she like. Applied herself to her craft?”  
  


Followed by

  
Executive Producer : Roxy LaLonde

 

**Author's Note:**

> You take the tape and let it run all the way to the end, after the credits. You take out the tape, reset the VCR and then set the time to 4:13 AM. Reinserting the tape, you manage to get it to play the uncut, unedited version of the film, including a deleted sex scene. 
> 
> https://docs.google.com/document/d/1TrJDVIHs-ZffvL58FEOsJmMNnnezr2-CdQw9Ge5hgQU/edit?usp=sharing


End file.
